Why does the USA have monuments and statues to celebrate the civil war? I would understand more if they were statues, monuments, reenactments of the winning side, but nope, the losing side, which is beyond strange. Why?
Why not remember the wrongness of the war without glorifying it? The USA doesn’t fly the Union Jack to remember they beat them in a war or the Mexican Flag. German doesn’t fly the Nazi flag, South Africa doesn’t fly the old flag. Why does the USA feel the need for confederate monuments and flags?
I had read General Robert Lee did not want the confederate flag flown, or the soldiers to wear the old uniform at his funeral, he wanted the USA to unite and move forward. I looked up what he said – wikiquotes is a great resource, and yes he wanted unity, and no monuments to himself and the war. But, he also was a bitter man about losing, and one who had slaves (inherited) who took his time to emancipate them after the end of the war. So this is the hero? A man who kept slaves, who was outwardly at peace and resolved not get involved again, but inwardly bitter and filled with anger?
A man who said: “The blacks are immeasurably better off here than in Africa, morally, socially & physically. The painful discipline they are undergoing, is necessary for their instruction as a race, & I hope will prepare & lead them to better things. How long their subjugation may be necessary is known & ordered by a wise Merciful Providence.” Yes, I am picking and choosing what I say, but he was pro-slavery, pro keeping people as objects.
Now, I love the South, I love Atlanta, I love living there, and mixing with all people, but I don’t love that people worship the confederate flag, that they believe they have a right to the USA, and that systematic oppression has given them more advantages. Atlanta might have a black mayor, black city council, and even a large black business community, but it has years of oppression, back room dealing, historic low funding for black areas and a tendency to sweep things under the rug. I live in a historically black area in Atlanta so I get poor schools, no sidewalks, slow services, old infrastructure and pre-gentrification lack of grocery stores. Now gentrification is butting up against this and the clashes are happening.
But, to go back to Civil War why?
I told myself to try write five things a day, it doesn’t need to be awe inspiring, or amazing, or a detail, just five sentences.
I miss writing poetry. Something I used to do a lot, and then found out it was so overwhelmingly goth, female and whiney I stopped, but I miss putting words together.
My photography is getting better, but I really rely on my phone to much.
I eat out to much still, but I love trying new things, and it is tons better than cooking sometimes.
I really miss having cats, but I do not miss taking allergy medication daily.
Finally made it back to yoga today, and as usual my teacher was amazing, she really pushes you, whether you are experienced or not, she knows the right way to get the most out of her class. This is amazing to me as she has people in class who are experts, people who this is their 2nd class and people like me, who want to try, but whose body won’t cooperate.
I have about 25 or so open tabs on my browser, all for jobs to apply for, and I had a phone interview today, though I am unsure where I see myself in the next few months, nevermind next year.
My bigger struggle right now is not eating sugar, and trying to sleep enough. I am back on the ambien, half a pill a night and still I spend a huge chunk of my night awake and worrying.
Not helping is having my period, which makes me more restless, and it also makes my sense of smell super weird. I seem to smell all these weird underlying scents that make me want to gag.
Sometimes I don’t want to write about the bad things that are happening in my life, it is easier to write about the surface and the good times, but how do I track the bad things, keep abreast of my mood and feelings, unless I track all the stuff?
So my job in SF looks like it is over, which makes me sad, I like my boss, but the company might be bought and they only want two people really from the staff, so I am now looking for a job. But, on the bright side, if I need to stay in SA longer with my mom I can, with now worries.
My mom, my mom is not doing great, it is had to talk about, but things right now look bleak. She is battling to walk, and still sleeping/resting a lot, and not making many plans. It is hard to be so far away.
What full weekend, I actually thought it would not be! Friday night I went to a magazine release party that I had found out about on instagram Gross, it was okay. I didn’t to much like the art or the band who played, but I met Michelle, Bonnie and Bonnie’s roommate, April, there. We decided to try go to CodeWorks for a drink, and so walked there (about two minutes) but, they were having a hiphop night and wanted cover for us to just get a drink (it was empty) so we were debating what to do next, when Michelle got upset with us, so she left. We decided to go get sushi – and April suggest a place called Blowfish, we started off with sake bombs, I still hate them, and moved on to sake. By 11pm, it was time to go to Cat Club to get our goth on and dance. I met my friend Heather and her daughter there from Florida, as they are driving across the USA together, it was awesome to see her. We drunk more alcohol (fernet) and danced and met some guys, did shots, and then when the lights cam on I walked home.
Note to self clubs close at 3am here, leave at 2:50am, to avoid bright lights! Plus last call is 1am!!!, and do not wear new boots – feet hurt on the walk home pretty bad.
The next day I tried to take it easy and so stood in line to get my free mac lipstick – very slow line, but I got a pretty nice blue called, Indigo go . Then home to get ready for my trip to the East Bay on BART to have dinner with Adam’s parents as it was there last night in SF. We ate at an Italian place that was ok, and then BART home and finally to get a pretty decent nights sleep.
Sunday was free game play at Coin Op and so I met Bonnie and April there, I am getting better at pinball, my favorite one was The Walking Dead pinball game, even though I have never seen the show, the game is fun! I then persuaded Bonnie to go with me to Gelareh Designs as she was having an open house, and so I could see the clothes in person! They are so beautiful, though they start at $900, and go on up, mainly I just wanted to see them and touch them, it was fantastic to see the items in the flesh. On the walk back to the bus, we passed Tartine Manufactory and as it was 5:30pm, it had just opened and it was empty with no line! We got seats at the bar, had a drink each, and a slice of bread with seaweed butter, it was delicious. So good.
Then it was walk to bus and time to go home to do laundry.
So the reason I slack off on posting is I get caught up in reading “the internet” as I say, in fact, I pretty much read as much news as possible, then get too burnt out to post. But, yesterday was a great day!
Firstly I had some friends in town, which meant I left work early, caught Muni down to the Embarcadero and met them for lunch. It was great seeing, Meredith, Dara and their baby Reese, plus Meredith’s sister Kelly. We ate and then went to a pretty neat playground for Reese to run around and try be tired. She was already tired, but overtired, so would not nap. At two and a half she is tall and fairly outspoken, very sweet little girl. When her dad came back we went for ice cream – I choose Miette’s ice cream sandwich and then I came home.
Last night though I also had a great time, going to see Mystery Science Theatre 3000 live! It was great, Matthew got us seats third row orchestra so we were right up close and it was very very funny. We saw the Mystery Movie and it was very campy, but some of the villianness’s costumes were incredible!
I thought about the kids thing, me I have never wanted kids, ever, it is just one of those things I knew about myself, and so I have cultivated the impression I don’t like kids, because to tell people you just don’t want them, and then play and interact with kids, they think you are lying. I am not bad with dealing with children, I enjoy playing with them, and I talk to them like they are small people, not baby talk. I love my nephews dearly, and I am auntie Victoria to many children, but that does not mean I want them myself.
I am fully aware of how much work a child is and how you are responsible for them, but that is not the reason. A lot of it is I hated being a child, I did not hate my childhood, I hated the powerlessness, and the fact you were not responsible for what happened in your own life, and I would not want to put a small person through that. Plus, I remember clearly taking care of my cousin for many years, and how dedicated you had to be, my sister was excellent at it – or better than me, I wanted to be left alone to read rather. But, I don’t hate children, I enjoy their thought processes, and imagination and the ability to just be in the moment.
I did yoga at lunchtime today, I have learnt from the last time I did yoga at lunch, not to drink coffee in the morning before or eat any carbs. Weird restrictions my body has placed on me. I still suck at yoga, almost a year of doing it, and still I can barely do some moves, I fall over in others, and I modify a lot of stances. But, my hips are so flexible that pigeon is a breeze and so I do a modified version to stretch them instead of just relaxing into pigeon.
I am not hoping to do any headstands – I tried a little today to start work towards one though – moreso I just want to be flexible, not feel ancient when I get up, and be able to move without the strange inflexibility I seem to have developed in my daily movements.
My next desire is to learn to SCUBA, and SF parks offer a course, and I am hopefully going to start doing that!
It is amazing how much more expensive all gyms, classes etc are here in SF, but at the same time how many there are, you would think that would reduce the price, but nope, no luck.
One of my problems is that people think I am standoffish, or rather superior as I don’t talk to them when I see them out, or I blank them. I don’t do this deliberately, but I genuinely don’t recognise them. For years I thought I had a really bad people memory, as I just could not hold people’s faces or looks in my head. Then, I heard an amazing interview with Oliver Sacks and his discussion of Prosopagnosia and I felt an overwhelming sense of relief. That was me! I recognize people by their mannerisms, walk, and sound. I could not describe someone to anyone fully, I see them, I just cannot hold their features in my head.
But, I have worked with people all my working life: Barmaid, retail clerk, sales clerk, pretty much my job depended on knowing people, and what they bought, drunk, ate etc. I developed many coping mechanisms, the main one is situational, if I saw you in the place I normally saw you with a CD or record, all the pieces fell into place. If I saw you in a loud, smokey club, and I heard or saw you walk, I could place you mostly..not always. but, if I saw you out side of a normal place I associated with you: grocery store, post office, or mall, pouf, no luck, you had to greet me and talk and then the pieces would click.
Some people – very few stick in my head, but mostly not at all. I hate watching movies with two brown haired people, or same colour haired people, as I am then confused who is who. I barely ever recognize famous people, as nothing to hold onto in my head. I have talked to: Ryan Adams, Bruce Springsteen, Black Crowes dudes, and many more without the slightest idea, which meant I really reacted to them – useful at work.
I am amazing at voices though, I hear how people speak, and how they move themselves. It is a weird thing to be, but actually knowing I am not rude or forgetful is a huge weight off my social interactions. Now when I meet people I warn them, I won’t remember your face, I will know you but have nothing to attach the knowledge too, and people are amazed and very understanding.
So I had a great weekend, filled with people, alone time, music and ice cream!
Firstly after yoga on Friday I caught the ferry to Larkspur with Danny (who ran to the ferry as he was late). We were picked up by his Sheila(Charlie’s cousin) and Myrna(her g/f) and we went to their house, they all had some sangria and smoked some pot, while I had some water and read some of Myrna’s recipes.
About an hour later we piled in the car and went off to Carol(Adam and Danny’s mom) and Charles’s(her husband) airbnb, that they are staying at for the month of July. It is right on a hill in San Anselmo, so a wonderful view.
We ate a lovely meal, and then Myrna produced a blueberry cobbler which was divine. I was so full after everything, and after drinking much vodka! So I went to bed pretty early. After watching Ben (Adam and Danny’s nephew via his brother) fly his drone.
I woke up early saturday, not early enough to see the sun rise though :(, but early enough the house was still quiet. I read a bit and then it was household awake time and normal family drama time – luckily I am merely an observer. Breakfast was lovely as, how can you go wrong with bagels and lox?
Back to SF on the ferry and home, to relax, clean up my room, and clothes and relax a while. Then time to get ready to go see Planet of The Drums with AK1200, DJ DARA, and DieselBoy. My friend Bonnie, met me at my place, we drunk red wine, ate cheese and olives and bread, then off we went. Kindly Dara put me on the guestlist with VIP so it was pretty cool, I got to say hi and dance all night – or to about 2am. Then a nice walk home.
Sunday, I might have slept in a bit, then woke up and showered and Matthew and I decide to go get vegan burgers for dunch, as it was almost 12 already. We walked to the food truck park and had burgers, then home to relax. At about 3 I was antsy and so I suggested we go to the ferry building and get ice cream. We caught the bus down, and on the way passed The Warfield, and Mystery Science Theatre 3000 is playing there! I pointed it out to Matthew, and he immediately bought tickets! His friend doesn’t want to go, so I get to go :).
At the Ferry Building, we got Humphry Slocombe ice cream – I got Blue Bottle Viennese Coffee – and then walked along the pier for a bit, and watched the fishermen. Home to relax and finally to bed.
Matthew Eating Peanut Butter Fudge Ice Cream
View From House in San Anselmo