Why?

Testing

Noah and Kitty

Well, a little late on my six month look back on my resolutions for the year. Here is what they were:

finish filing the records – up to R
throw a dinner party – not yet but getting closer!
go back to school – start the 22 August!
quit my job – sadly not yet
quit eating sugar – did it in bits and pieces so far, but not yet
cook more – yes!
read more – I have started in the last month, but I think I am still reading to much in short bursts, nothing too involved.
learn html – no
learn how to use a camera – just started as I got a camera for my birthday, a micro 4/3 rds
live more, life is short, live every moment – yes.

So not an excellent job, but not a failure, slowly moving closer to my goals, and that is important to me, forward progress.

Today I did one of the hardest things I have ever done, I held my kitty cat while the vet ” put him to sleep”. Nothing in my life had ever prepared me for that. The slowing down, of him, the urge he had to curl up but couldn’t and the absolute knowledge he was gone.

I had Pandi-cat 12 years, he lasted longer than most relationships, he came to me a baby kitten, all tummy, and crumpled ears. His eyes were still hematite coloured when I got him, I bottled fed him, rubbed his tummy to make him pee, carried him with me everywhere for weeks, so he would be warm, loved and fed every four hours. As he grew, and grew, got chunky and purry he was always my baby. He sat on the edge of the bath when I bathed, he followed me around, he curled up on top of me in summer, and winter, he bit people who touched his tummy, he purred loudly, he knocked over coffee cups, singed his whiskers on candles, ate my flowers, loudly meowed for food all in all he was my kitty cat.

His going means my house will be cleaner, quieter and lonelier, his going leaves my life emptier. I am thankful I rescued him, and I am thankful he lived far longer than an abandoned kitten could ever have hoped. He added joy, love, and happiness to my life, along with poop, fur, white whiskers, noise and irrepressible curiosity.

I love you Pandi.

I was listening to my podcasts the other day, I am a little behind, and heard the “The American Life” episode for Father’s Day. Most of the episode just passed me by, until the story about the Father who was challenged to tell his daughters that he loved them everyday for a month.

The Father talks about how he loves his daughter, she is smart, funny and rides a bike. And this all touched me a lot. But, the most touching moment was when she said “I know my father loves me, it was just nice to hear.”. How true is that? I know my father loves me, I know expressing emotion is difficult for him, but when he does something out of character for him, tells me he loves me, tries to relate to me, I am touched, and I want to say “Daddy, I love you dearly!”

Another snow day, wow. First day was good, as I did not have to go to work, but second day, a little not so good, as I planned a day off. Today was dentist and cleaning house. I can still clean house, but a distinct lack of dentist in my future. Things I did do yesterday:

start bread

file some records

nap

haha

middle of the night, or early morning? i can’t sleep. funny when i write without capitalization i think of my dad, and how he made a snarky comment the one time i sent him an email like that.

i have thought of my resolutions carefully this year, but actually writing them down, means they are actionable. which is scary. in my head they are abstract ideas, on a screen or paper they are real.

top 10

what i don’t say, lose those ten pounds, lose the fear of failure and just go back to school, don’t stress over work, it is just a job, and you can leave.

.

Somedays I am just overwhelmed by all the things that need to be done to keep my life not falling apart. Showering, brushing teeth, cooking, eating, cleaning, laundry, feeding cats, cleaning up after cats, making conversation. Must be an easier way.

Dreaming of a simpler time.

The City

BY C. P. CAVAFY

You said: “I’ll go to another country, go to another shore,
find another city better than this one.
Whatever I try to do is fated to turn out wrong
and my heart lies buried like something dead.
How long can I let my mind moulder in this place?
Wherever I turn, wherever I look,
I see the black ruins of my life, here,
where I’ve spent so many years, wasted them, destroyed them totally.”

You won’t find a new country, won’t find another shore.
This city will always pursue you.
You’ll walk the same streets, grow old
in the same neighborhoods, turn gray in these same houses.
You’ll always end up in this city. Don’t hope for things elsewhere:
there’s no ship for you, there’s no road.
Now that you’ve wasted your life here, in this small corner,
you’ve destroyed it everywhere in the world.
TRANSLATED BY EDMUND KEELEY AND PHILIP SHERRARD

“Sometimes dreaming is not enough,
I need words to touch my soul,
to feel that we can fly free
above what we can conceive of
I wish I dream I could create more,
sit down, train myself to put the word
combinations on paper,
to drag them from within me”

When did I learn that poetry was a dirty word? I don’t remember, probably about the same time I realized it was what I wanted to write. So goth, so trite so overblown, such a cliche.

This morning it was hard to get out of bed. Warm in bed, cold outside, an iPad in my hand. Fun to lie in bed with the iPad, figuring it all out.

Having a lot of back pain lately. Not sure why. Seems to be really bad at night. Noticed my ganglion cyst is back on my hand, so now to think really hard about getting it cut out. Bad enough when I had it aspirated, but another needle? Nope.

Dreams, what do I want? I dream in colour and sound, but life seems flat lately. I want more.

Day two started off really early as Matthew woke up at 4:30 to write his mid-term, I slept through most of it, only rousing slightly, and eventually to head off to get food when he was finished. Breakfast was the same as yesterday though Sheridan – a grand poobah – from GW joined us. After breakfast I headed off back into the city. Today was colder and greyer with drizzle.

But, the for me the sun came out when I got to Revolver Distribution in the Mission area. It was a huge warehouse filled with records…and yeah CDs as well. It was wonderful. First off Mike and I went and got great espresso, and discussed the finer points of pulling espresso with the “barista” at this really cool little coffee shop, then back to the warehouse. Once back I met everyone and then got to pull records . It was great, just going through and filling a box for work of all these things we never order or think about ordering but seeing them makes it so much more interesting. I spent a little over an hour or so doing that, then goodbye and back to BART, and down to the SFMoma area to meet Frank (Greg’s Brother) for lunch.

It was pretty funny as I could not imagine an Adamson being late, and he was right on time, 1 pm on the dot! We ate at a place called The Grove and it was pretty tasty, and the had awesome orange juice. The hour flew by and then I was off to the actual SFMoma, and he was off to go suit shopping.

The SFMoma was a discounted price as two floors were under installation, but I was pretty excited about the Paul Klee prints section and then the Rothko:

Rothko

Oliveritti Type Writers

After the actual museum I spent some time in the store, mainly trying to decide which books to buy for Noah and Kay and Walter’s baby – Newman. On my walk back to the BART I passed a cool looking liquor store called Cask, and so I stopped in to see what it was all about. It was about Whiskey, Scotch, Rye and Tequila, all fancy “one note” and “handmade small batches”. I could not resist and so bought a very cool looking “smokey”,”peaty”,”sweet” whiskey to try.

Back to the hotel and then to dinner at a Peruvian place in San Mateo called “Wasiiki” which was great food! Now to bed to get up at 6 am!

So last night I left The ATL, for San Francisco, as usual I think my cat could run an airline better than Delta does. First off a gate and terminal change about 20 minutes before boarding, then due to genius on their side they reset everyone. So families were carping about seat reassignments etc. Anyway, the flight got in early and eventually the luggage came out .

I then caught a taxi to the hotel and was super impressed with the california king sized bed, and by 2 am SF time I was asleep. Up at 6:30 or maybe 7:30 for breakfast – standard hotel buffet stuffs, and then I set about crafting my excursion into the city proper (I am actually staying in Foster City). It is a fairly simple job:

First you catch hotel shuttle to airport
Second you find BART
Third you catch BART

Awesome!

I arrived at Powell Street Station just after 11, and met my friend Free who I have not seen in over ten years! It was great, first up was a double espresso then some talking, a brief foray into Hot Topic, and then a bus trip to Haight.

Aaah Haight, the home of Amoeba Records, John Fluevog Shoes and the loss of my self control with spending money. Luckily I cannot justify most the prices at Amoeba – they want outrageous money on some stuff, but found a few 7″s and a record all for under $30! Then to the Fluevog store….
boots oh boots how I want thee:

John Fluevog Griffen Boots

John Fluevog Jenna Boots

Then I found a really cute robot, monster store similar to Kid Robot, but waay cooler called Super7. Then some walking and a bus ride, and a little more walking I found the SFMoma, and a BART station to make it back to the Hotel. Took little over an hour to get back, due the President been in town and blocking traffic for the shuttle, but the train was easy enough

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Bad night of sleep. Bad dreams and woke with fists clenched so hard my arms and wrists hurt. Worst night in a while. Lots of staring at the clock watching the numbers change.