Dreaming and Doing

So a distant friend, someone I know who I have not seen in a while, but still like and would hug when I see them died last week. Brian Dotson will be greatly missed, not just because he knew a million people or because he ran a nightclub in the 2000’s but rather because of his kindness, his sweetness and generosity.

I met Brian through Greg A, and he was always the nicest person to me, happy to see me and hug me. No matter what I was wearing (and however out of place I looked at his club) he was kind and generous. We made bisquik pancakes together. He taught me to make tuna salad with raisins in it. And most kindly of all he smacked Greg A upside the head and told him I had a crush on him. He saw it even if no one else did. Brian and I sat around the kitchen talking music.

He let Adam book CosmoLava to have Neil Landstrumm play for a discounted rate and he happily offered so many other people DJing opportunities.

The last time I saw him we had lunch outside on Amsterdam avenue and we talked about hiking, dogs and who knows what else.

Rest in Peace Brian you will be missed greatly.

“PITY THE NATION” Lawrence Ferlinghetti
(After Khalil Gibran)

Pity the nation whose people are sheep
And whose shepherds mislead them
Pity the nation whose leaders are liars
Whose sages are silenced
And whose bigots haunt the airwaves
Pity the nation that raises not its voice
Except to praise conquerers
And acclaim the bully as hero
And aims to rule the world
By force and by torture
Pity the nation that knows
No other language but its own
And no other culture but its own
Pity the nation whose breath is money
And sleeps the sleep of the too well fed
Pity the nation oh pity the people
who allow their rights to erode
and their freedoms to be washed away
My country, tears of thee
Sweet land of liberty!

I am a racist – what a hard sentence to write out. I am not one consciously, but i have plenty of white privilege, I have lived an easy life, not constantly wondering if the police, security guards, military are going to find my life expendable. I try really hard not to judge people by skin colour, by race, but I do, of course I do, we all do, but been aware and trying to do better is all i can offer.

I grew up taught apartheid was right to keep the races pure, that black people had smaller brains, that they needed white people to tell them what to do. I grew up taught black people could not be trusted, that they were like children. The racism, that casual dismissal of one race, the fact “coloureds” and “indians” could be second class – not quite good enough to be white, but close, a whole country was that. South Africa a complicated legacy, trust me, I love my country, I am horrified what was done in the name of “white power”.

I have spent my time since I left unlearning, unlearning the casual dismissal, unlearning the fear, unlearning the taught prejudice. I will never not see colour, that has never been my goal, my goal is to accept people for who they are, and their actions regardless on race and skin colour.

I like to think I am ok at it. I still cringe about lessons I had to learn, and I am happy I have had friends and coworkers who were more than patient with me, who cared enough to explain, to teach.

Living the the USA has taught me more about systematic racism than anything else, how constant pressure and media, how code shifting and “good hair” are good in some instances and bad in other, how been yourself is criminal. It has taught be a black man can yell about killing and raping and be censored, but a white person has aggression and room to grow. That a white guy in a hoodie is cool, a black guy is a thug. How food of the poor and disadvantaged can be co-opted so that now it is to expensive. That judgement is constant.

It makes me want to scream and yell, “check your privilege” – but am i checking mine? I hope, and I hope and I try and I try.

my birthday next week. 9 weeks, of shelter in place. i don’t know if i can keep doing it. i try so hard to keep it together, i talk to others, i make plans to do dance night, movie night etc. but i am so lonely, i go to farmers market, i go to work once, sometimes twice a week alone, the office is quiet, normally just me and others in and out.

today i worked out over zoom, took a long bathe, and made lunch. read my book and started to make bread. i am also making cookies, and will start the bo ssam pork roast and tmr i will make the butter chicken as i have all the ingredients. but, food is about sharing, i want some one else to eat with me, comment, give me feedback.

i am tired, tired tired.