Dreaming and Doing

Why does the USA have monuments and statues to celebrate the civil war? I would understand more if they were statues, monuments, reenactments of the winning side, but nope, the losing side, which is beyond strange. Why?

Why not remember the wrongness of the war without glorifying it? The USA doesn’t fly the Union Jack to remember they beat them in a war or the Mexican Flag. German doesn’t fly the Nazi flag, South Africa doesn’t fly the old flag. Why does the USA feel the need for confederate monuments and flags?

I had read General Robert Lee did not want the confederate flag flown, or the soldiers to wear the old uniform at his funeral, he wanted the USA to unite and move forward. I looked up what he said – wikiquotes is a great resource, and yes he wanted unity, and no monuments to himself and the war. But, he also was a bitter man about losing, and one who had slaves (inherited) who took his time to emancipate them after the end of the war. So this is the hero? A man who kept slaves, who was outwardly at peace and resolved not get involved again, but inwardly bitter and filled with anger?

A man who said: “The blacks are immeasurably better off here than in Africa, morally, socially & physically. The painful discipline they are undergoing, is necessary for their instruction as a race, & I hope will prepare & lead them to better things. How long their subjugation may be necessary is known & ordered by a wise Merciful Providence.” Yes, I am picking and choosing what I say, but he was pro-slavery, pro keeping people as objects.

Now, I love the South, I love Atlanta, I love living there, and mixing with all people, but I don’t love that people worship the confederate flag, that they believe they have a right to the USA, and that systematic oppression has given them more advantages. Atlanta might have a black mayor, black city council, and even a large black business community, but it has years of oppression, back room dealing, historic low funding for black areas and a tendency to sweep things under the rug. I live in a historically black area in Atlanta so I get poor schools, no sidewalks, slow services, old infrastructure and pre-gentrification lack of grocery stores. Now gentrification is butting up against this and the clashes are happening.

But, to go back to Civil War why?

I told myself to try write five things a day, it doesn’t need to be awe inspiring, or amazing, or a detail, just five sentences.

I miss writing poetry. Something I used to do a lot, and then found out it was so overwhelmingly goth, female and whiney I stopped, but I miss putting words together.

My photography is getting better, but I really rely on my phone to much.

I eat out to much still, but I love trying new things, and it is tons better than cooking sometimes.

I really miss having cats, but I do not miss taking allergy medication daily.

Finally made it back to yoga today, and as usual my teacher was amazing, she really pushes you, whether you are experienced or not, she knows the right way to get the most out of her class. This is amazing to me as she has people in class who are experts, people who this is their 2nd class and people like me, who want to try, but whose body won’t cooperate.

I have about 25 or so open tabs on my browser, all for jobs to apply for, and I had a phone interview today, though I am unsure where I see myself in the next few months, nevermind next year.

My bigger struggle right now is not eating sugar, and trying to sleep enough. I am back on the ambien, half a pill a night and still I spend a huge chunk of my night awake and worrying.

Not helping is having my period, which makes me more restless, and it also makes my sense of smell super weird. I seem to smell all these weird underlying scents that make me want to gag.