Mother’s Day and Loss

Well, it has been and up and down weekend, I actually don’t know how I feel, numb I suppose.

On Friday I got home and Matthew and I went out to get tamales, as he was down. On the way home, and just sitting down, opening the book of face, I got a text from my friend Nico, that Alabaster died. I immediately texted her and looked at FB, it was true, not a rumor and holy shite, one of the people whom I loved and always had time for was gone. Alabaster was not just a DJ, and stylist, a influencer, a friend. Alabaster was more, a friend who loved you no matter what, who called you out, who loved music, who sought out new music, who befriended all who accepted them. Someone who searched for love and acceptance and who gave it without thought. We both adored Siouxsie and Diamanda Galas, we both loved rap and outrageously silly music that people danced too.

Saturday Greg A was in town, so I hung with my bestie, went for breakfast, went record shopping, ran into my friend Lisa from Variety Playhouse at Amoeba Records. Next up was getting to Oakland for Greg’s brother’s baby’s naming ceremony in a park. We did that, ate more food, and walked about, played soccer – sorta – in the sun and had fun.
I spoke to Lynda a bunch about Frank Senior – and it was wonderful. Home to fight and fight a headache.

Then Mother’s Day, ouch. I miss the two people I called my moms so bad. Both my mom and my Aunt Lynette, both taken by cancer. And tomorrow is a year since my Granny died. Just Fuck.

But, today I got up, went out, had great a great smoothie at
Beloved in the Mission, went to a warehouse sale at Five and Diamond and managed not to buy anything. Wine and Tapas with Bonnie after and now home, to do laundry and prep for the week.

I can’t make Alabaster’s funeral, but I could donate to help with costs. I can’t talk to my mom, but I could tell my sister she is doing a fantastic job with my nephews, I can’t tell Lynette how much she meant to me, but I can tell my Aunt Linda how wonderful she is. I can’t be there for my friends grieving but I can be there in spirit and give them time when they need to talk. Life is weird.

“Then darkness took me, and I strayed out of thought and time, and I wandered far on roads that I will not tell.”

I read this today and wow, it is the most moving quote I have seen. From the Two Towers by Tolkein.

Snappy Title

It is my mom’s birthday this week, she has been dead 8 months, and it has gotten easier in some ways harder in others. I miss her every single day, I miss the ability to call her up, and just listen to her talk, I miss being able to tell her all my news. I miss the ability to know she heard what I had to say, knew I was going to ignore her advice, and still love me. I miss her interest in my friends and my life. And I wish she could see what wonderful people her grandkids are becoming. My nephews are so great, my sister is doing such a good job, I am in awe of her ability to raise a kid, never mind two!

Going shopping or out is sometimes an exercise in effort as I see all the things she would love. Yesterday I saw a coat I knew she would love, and nevermind how much she would have loved SF, the details, the food, the experience. If I think about it to much I still cry. But, I know Charlotte and I did the best we could, I don’t think I will ever forgive her b/f and I am okay with that.