Almost a year

It has been almost a year since my mom died, it feels so unreal still. I know I shouldn’t but I still question the choices I made last year, nothing I can do to change them, but they run through my head, all the ‘what ifs’. Not productive.

Still trying to sort out her estate and get banking sorted in SA, which is nightmare, and a half. But, hopefully it shall be sorted out by the end of the year. I feel like perspective is needed in looking back though, advice I would give to others is:

    • give away as much as possible while you can, don’t wait for death ( I wish I had given away more of my mom’s stuff to her friends)


    • take the things that are important to you – silly things – I am sorry I didn’t grab one scarf or shawl


    • take all the photos, even if you can’t, they are so irreplaceable


    • take the details of your childhood, not everything, but I am so glad I got the wall hanging and Venus De Milo, they are not worth money, but every time I see them I think of all the houses they lived in with me all the times they graced my childhood walls and vanities


    • everyone is upset, no one has a right to claim more grief than another


    friends are invaluable

I miss my mom, everyday still. You know intellectually your parents will die before you, but when it happens you are still shocked. My mom was not perfect, but she was my mom and I love her very very much.


I found a talk at #scribd by Michael Pollan, a few weeks ago and tonight it happened. It was really nice to hear him speak and discuss the history and why he wrote his current book, How to Change Your Mind. The talk felt too short and the questions were to quick, but it was wonderful to actually hear and see him.

I am curious about the actual trials and how to go about getting deeper into the treatment. As I know I can get my mind into grooves and not escape.


Wow where is the year going? It is August already, I am not ready for summer to start going away.

Anyway, keeping a little to busy, and trying to juggle sleep, social life, work and now gym is a special challenge, plus now I am trying to book a ticket to South Africa.

I have these neat deep thoughts I never write down, but number 1 in my mind right now is I am rapidly coming up on the anniversary of my mother’s death. One year without her, I miss her more than I could ever imagine. Every day I still want to take a photo and send it to her, or tell her about something.


So I joined a gym, not just any gym, a very expensive SF gym, that has some pretty awful reviews online, and some pretty good ones. I joined because I love the pool, a salt water pool, junior olympic length and I am trying to go regularly. So that also meant buying a bathing suit. Another awful moment in getting older. But today I swam for 30 mins, and although tiring it wasn’t as bad as Saturday when my whole body was mad at me for doing backstroke. The worst is my right side is so much stronger than my left, that my stroke pulls me sideways, so have to work on that slowly.

Saw some pretty cool bands this weekend:
Saturday night was: Mortal Bodies – noisy but good, Hive Mind – ambient noise I really loved and Genocide Organ! who I love but were heavy listening.
Sunday night was: Thoabath – ambient noise just ok to me, Jim Haynes – really good noise and Anenzaphalia who I loved, he can do no wrong a great mix of ambient and pure power noise!

I also made it to Jack London Square in Oakland, not what I expected, more bland than exciting, but nice to see the bay from the other side.

Ghost painted pay phone

Estuary for Oakland
Painted old payphone
Still a bar for sailors
Painted electric box
Sorry to Bother You which was shot in Oakland
Jack London’s cabin replica in square