How Long?

48 days and counting, almost 8 weeks.

I have not learnt a new skill, mastered a new language, deep cleaned my apartment, gotten super fit etc.

I have, cooked, eaten, slept, worked out and lived.

Which is harder? People talk about grief and depression, I feel bad for them. I am sad, but not depressed, I am upset but not angry. When I moved to SF I was depressed. When my relationship ended I was depressed, and battled. But now? I am just sad. We are a people on a single planet with no empathy. We live in a marvellous world and we barely look up. We value experiences as much as we can post a video or photo. We live to work, not work to live.

I don’t want that. I made these choices a long time ago, what I wanted and what I value. This has made it clearer. I still don’t miss TV, or more stuff, oh, I miss the camaraderie around it, but I don’t miss the desire to see what happens. Most stuff seems pointlessly cruel and mean spirited.

I miss having a partner with me, to cook with, to do things with, to talk over ideas with. To hold hands with. To go on walks with, debate what to cook, and disagree with.

SF is prettier without all the traffic and rush and clusterness of people, but now also highlights the intense unequal distribution of wealth. So many have nots, due to so many factors, and everyone wants an easy answer. But, unless the USA starts helping out with mental health and loses the ‘pull you up by the bootstraps’ scenario/dream, it is not happening.

How Long? was originally published on Dreaming and Doing

How Long?

48 days and counting, almost 8 weeks.

I have not learnt a new skill, mastered a new language, deep cleaned my apartment, gotten super fit etc.

I have, cooked, eaten, slept, worked out and lived.

Which is harder? People talk about grief and depression, I feel bad for them. I am sad, but not depressed, I am upset but not angry. When I moved to SF I was depressed. When my relationship ended I was depressed, and battled. But now? I am just sad. We are a people on a single planet with no empathy. We live in a marvellous world and we barely look up. We value experiences as much as we can post a video or photo. We live to work, not work to live.

I don’t want that. I made these choices a long time ago, what I wanted and what I value. This has made it clearer. I still don’t miss TV, or more stuff, oh, I miss the camaraderie around it, but I don’t miss the desire to see what happens. Most stuff seems pointlessly cruel and mean spirited.

I miss having a partner with me, to cook with, to do things with, to talk over ideas with. To hold hands with. To go on walks with, debate what to cook, and disagree with.

SF is prettier without all the traffic and rush and clusterness of people, but now also highlights the intense unequal distribution of wealth. So many have nots, due to so many factors, and everyone wants an easy answer. But, unless the USA starts helping out with mental health and loses the ‘pull you up by the bootstraps’ scenario/dream, it is not happening.

Did my hair and make up today – look I know how to do eyeliner still! For my social distancing walk to Embarcadero! Watched a giant ship dwarf the bay bridge as it came in, and to show I am eating healthy my lovely breakfast of strawberries, blueberries, passion fruit, greek yogurt and a smidge of granola. #shelterinplace #containership #baybridge #sf #breakfast (at San Francisco, California)
https://www.instagram.com/p/B_d9LRLJ0i_/?igshid=qq8vsftl4kmv

hair and out and about

Did my hair and make up today – look I know how to do eyeliner still! For my social distancing walk to Embarcadero! Watched a giant ship dwarf the bay bridge as it came in, and to show I am eating healthy my lovely breakfast of strawberries, blueberries, passion fruit, greek yogurt and a smidge of granola. #shelterinplace #containership #baybridge #sf #breakfast (at San Francisco, California)
https://www.instagram.com/p/B_d9LRLJ0i_/?igshid=qq8vsftl4kmv

Badtzi

I kept feeling Badtzi around me last night, like he came back to take me with him, I miss my kitties so much, but him more than anything. He was so smart and so sweet.

Maybe he misses me? And wants to come with him?

It is the second death feeling I have had in a week. Last week it was the death of a dog, which seems to be a portent for the death of a friend. I hope I am wrong.

Badtzi was originally published on Dreaming and Doing

Badtzi

I kept feeling Badtzi around me last night, like he came back to take me with him, I miss my kitties so much, but him more than anything. He was so smart and so sweet.

Maybe he misses me? And wants to come with him?

It is the second death feeling I have had in a week. Last week it was the death of a dog, which seems to be a portent for the death of a friend. I hope I am wrong.

Pink Moon

Funny how often I write about Pink Moon. The famous Nick Drake song.

This year the pink moon will fall on what would have been my mom’s 73rd birthday. I miss her so much, still everyday. But, at the same time I am so glad she is not here experiencing this pandemic. I worry about my dad, but my mom I would have freaked out about daily. Social distancing, not going out, she would have laughed and ignored me, nevermind her useless b/f waste of breathe he was, he would have just told her not to worry, and go get him whatever he wanted at the store, as he was to damn lazy to go himself.

I went to work today – mainly to water plants, get my monitor and stuff to set up my home area a little better. My next goal is a decent chair, not an ugly one though, boy is that hard.

Pink Moon was originally published on Dreaming and Doing