Death, be not proud (Holy Sonnet 10)

By John Donne

Death, be not proud, though some have called thee
Mighty and dreadful, for thou are not so;
For those whom thou think’st thou dost overthrow
Die not, poor Death, nor yet canst thou kill me.
From rest and sleep, which but thy pictures be,
Much pleasure; then from thee much more must flow,
And soonest our best men with thee do go,
Rest of their bones, and soul’s delivery.
Thou’art slave to fate, chance, kings, and desperate men,
And dost with poison, war, and sickness dwell,
And poppy’or charms can make us sleep as well
And better than thy stroke; why swell’st thou then?
One short sleep past, we wake eternally,
And death shall be no more; Death, thou shalt die.

Thursday – I can’t get no sleep

I feel a little like that Faithless song “I can’t get no sleep”, it has been a recurring theme the last few weeks, not enough sleep! I know last night was triggered by visiting a co-worker in the hospital, and it bought back the feelings of my mom. My co-worker will be fine, but you still feel so helpless seeing someone in hospital and them being in pain.

I just wanted to help. And I couldn’t really. Stayed longer than expected to help cheer her up and give her company though.

It is poppy season here in California and seeing the wild poppies everywhere does make me so happy 🙂

Pink Moon

So Friday was supposed to be a pink moon, and that meant that all day I had the Nick Drake song running through my head:

Saw it written and I saw it say
Pink moon is on its way
And none of you stand so tall
Pink moon gonna get ye all
And it’s a pink moon
Hey it’s a pink moon
Pink, pink, pink, pink, pink moon
Pink, pink, pink, pink, pink moonI saw it written and I saw it say
Pink moon is on its way
And none of you stand so tall
Pink moon gonna get ye all
It’s a pink moon
Yea, it’s a pink moon”

I love that song, I am surprised constantly about its ups and downs in popular culture.

I have spent this weekend prepping for a colonoscope on Monday. Let me tell you drinking the stuff is awful 🙁

Almost a year

It has been almost a year since my mom died, it feels so unreal still. I know I shouldn’t but I still question the choices I made last year, nothing I can do to change them, but they run through my head, all the ‘what ifs’. Not productive.

Still trying to sort out her estate and get banking sorted in SA, which is nightmare, and a half. But, hopefully it shall be sorted out by the end of the year. I feel like perspective is needed in looking back though, advice I would give to others is:

    • give away as much as possible while you can, don’t wait for death ( I wish I had given away more of my mom’s stuff to her friends)

 

    • take the things that are important to you – silly things – I am sorry I didn’t grab one scarf or shawl

 

    • take all the photos, even if you can’t, they are so irreplaceable

 

    • take the details of your childhood, not everything, but I am so glad I got the wall hanging and Venus De Milo, they are not worth money, but every time I see them I think of all the houses they lived in with me all the times they graced my childhood walls and vanities

 

    • everyone is upset, no one has a right to claim more grief than another

 

    friends are invaluable

I miss my mom, everyday still. You know intellectually your parents will die before you, but when it happens you are still shocked. My mom was not perfect, but she was my mom and I love her very very much.

Last Week or So

So Wednesday night was the show here in SF I was most excited for PopTone! And they did not fail to deliver. I loved every moment of the show. I did not catch the opening band as I stood outside in line to get in for over 20 minutes, which seems weird, as it was a big show, and still they processed people like a small club, one security guy and one person collecting money and one person scanning tickets. I did not talk to anyone or have anyone talk to me even at the bar or buying a t-shirt, which was weird, no eye contact, no smile to share the joy, SF is a weird place.

SetList:

  • Heartbreak Hotel
  • OK, This Is the Pops
  • Mirror People
  • Movement of Fear
  • Happiness
  • No Big Dea
  • Lions
  • Twist
  • Love Me
  • Performance
  • An American Dream
  • Christian Says
  • There’s Only One
  • Cracked Actor
  • Encore:
  • Physical (You’re So)
  • Flame On
  • Go!
  • Encore 2:
  • Slice of Life
  • Sweet F.A.

Thursday 5 January 2017

So today I thought my bus driver was training for le petit le mans – zooming up the hills here in SF, and squealing around corners, pretty exciting.

Also today is not national bubble bath day, like I thought, it is the 8th of January. Woops. Though other important things I am sure are happening today: national whipped cream day and national bird day, weird made up days for everything always make me happy.

It is sunny here today, a rarity in the last two months it feels like, though a great storm is predicted, lots of rain, and maybe even flooding, I might be making a grocery store run 🙂

This is a Great Horned Owl, native to the Americas!

2017

I can’t think of a catchy title for my post.

Back at work in SF today, and it is gray and cold and rainy. Not awful though, just not happy, happy joy joy. Today at work was a lot of cleaning up and tracking people down and setting up meetings and dealing with things to happen.

I did get confirmed as a volunteer at the Edwardian Ball happening here in two weeks or so. I had better get Adam to send me a dress to wear, and stuff. I am mainly volunteering to meet people, and maybe change my SF mindset a bit, as I find it unfriendly here.

I also signed up to go to a book event – Tim Ferris, and maybe a movie screening for libraian’s if I get accepted. I am trying to get out more here. I miss my friends a great deal, and nothing can replace the sense of community I have in ATL, but while living and working here, I need to be more proactive.

Next month – after the rush – I am joining a gym, yoga, pilates and barre! It is very fancy, but hopefully the price will make me go more. This is when I miss Jessica, she is a great gym partner, I could never slack off.

2017

2017 can you believe it? 2017 didn’t come in like a lion or a lamb, 2017 came in on a cold, rainy night, filled with wind and sorrow. At least that is how it felt. I watched the stars, I saw the clouds, I lost the stars and I felt the chill enter the land.

I want 2017 to be better, but my doubts are myriad and unceasing. I want the start of another revolution around the sun in an empty space to have meaning, but I lack conviction. I want to reach out and say we and can be better, but I know better.

Goodbye 2016, the year that offered hope, redemption and perhaps a chance to leap forward, instead we stumbles, fell short and retreated. You took a a few of my heros, I said goodbye to friends, and I chose to step away from people I could no longer in good conscious be around.

2016 I travelled, I ate and I lived, I voted, I hoped and I existed.

122_blowfish_original

A week and a day

I have been in San Francisco a week and a day tonight.  And what a month the last month has been.  Firstly I got two jobs in July.  One was an internship helping a community manager at a code school.  It was unpaid, but an interesting insight into what a community manager does and does not do, and the expectations placed upon them.  the second job I was really starting to enjoy, it was at Mint Salon in midtown.  I was the receptionist and I really enjoyed it, as I liked the people, and, enjoyed the interaction with ‘clients’ as salon customers are called.  It had some room for advancement,  not a lot, but a little and I got free haircuts and discounted services!

 

But, then I saw a job listing on facebook, from Danny and the job sounded right up my alley, the only problem was it was in San Francisco, so I applied, interviewed and got it!  I then asked Matthew very nicely if I could stay with him and figure out whether the job and I were a good fit and I liked moving so far so suddenly, and boom with two weeks I was on a plane to SF!

 

The job is  a good fit so far, right now I am an administrative assitant at a start up, and also a personal assistant to the two co founders, and I am enjoying the challenge and dealing with all the problems.  I am still finding my feet and seeing what is expected of me.  But, I am going to Manchester – England, for a convention, and maybe Miami as well later this year.  And I am enjoying bits of SF.  The no car is awesome, public transport FTW!  And I love the tempreture – I should have bought more light jackets with me.  It is an expensive city though, just food is expensive.  But, I went to the local farmers market on the square and got super fresh veggies and fruit.  And I am walking a ton, and sleeping well, after walking roughly 3 miles or so a day on hills.   My goal is to walk more, but I catch the bus to work, as I can’t face walking it in the morning.

 

My other goal is to leave in time to get coffee in the morning, right now, I just can’t seem to get the timing right.  Oh yeah, I now know about meetings, a lot of meetings, which is new to me.

I treated myself last week and went to The Exploratorium, as the Theo Jansen’s   Strandbeest’s were there which I adore. It was magical seeing them move and up close and reading all the details about them.

 

On my way back home I saw the most marvelous sight, the full moon just over the bridge:

moon over bridge

 

Happy Sorta Birthday USA

This last weekend has been quiet, as I have been alone a lot which is super nice and peaceful.  I also got some stuff done on the house, which required a trip to Ikea on Sunday – wow, now I remember why I go during the week.

 

Anyway, Rick my wonderful handyman, came by and fixed the leaking toilet, hung shelves, hung curtains, and even sorted out hanging pictures.  Whew!  Plus he came back today to start filling in a doorway, so the house has three rooms, not two rooms and a walk through junk room.

 

Yesterday I grilled out and bought ribeye, woah, I forgot how expensive good meat is, I normally don’t buy meat anymore,  sticking to chicken and fish from Costco, bought in bulk and then frozen in packets.  But, I splurged and Greg was coming for grilling out and I haven’t seen him in almost 6 weeks.  The meal was perfect!  I did the grilling, ribeyes (medium rare), chicken thighs (crispy golden), corn and baked potatoes with truffle salt.  Plus a caprese salad.  I was going to do grilled peaches with mascarpone cheese, but we were full up, and about to leave to go watch the fireworks.

 

I love the fireworks at Lenox, it is one of my great memories of the USA is watching them and being wowed.  So that is what we did.  We caught MARTA to Buckhead Station and walked on over, it was quick easy and stress free.  Surprisingly this year the cops did not close Peachtree Street off early enough, so there were cars stuck while people watched fireworks.  Which was odd, and a little distracting.  There were some cool colours and newer explosions, and I loved it.  The MARTA back was just as easy and stress free, definitely the way to go.

 

Today was my first day back at yoga, oooh, I am unfit and stiff, and tight.  Hopefully I will go a bunch this month to release the tension in my shoulders and back.

 

Welcome To A Weird Place For Me

So I handed in my two weeks notice at my job. I do not have another job. I actually am unsure what to do, but though I like my boss, I like my co-workers, the job is not for me. A few years ago I would have stayed, kept at it, tried to fit in more, been unhappy, and just gotten depressed. Today although I realise I have stayed too long(I should have quit in August), I gave it my best try. And now I am satisfied, that I am doing the right thing by quitting.

I have learnt a lot about myself and how I work and how I would like to go forward. Firstly, I would prefer to work on a team, with regular collaboration. I would like to learn from someone, get given a direction, and if I go off course they notice, because we are in regular communication.

I learnt I am very organised, I am able to take charge, I do not shy away from delegating to others, and I do take notes, lots of notes. At first I was worried as I seemed the only one writing stuff down, and referring, back to my notes, now, as I am passing my knowledge on, I am immensely grateful.

I also learnt I like planning, thinking things out beforehand, instead of just diving it, and now I understand a lot more about how the business world works.

So the experience has been invaluable to me.

But the jumping without a net is scary, I know I am a good employee, I get stuff done, I do my tasks, I look for more productive ways to work, I listen and I work hard. So I am hopeful I will find a new job soon.

Trying…

Sleeping the last few nights has been rough. It was easier to deal with Hana-Cat dying as I had, had time to prepare, I knew he was sick, I knew he would not get better. Badtz was so sudden it has blindsided me. One visit to the vet and then next time he was gone.

I had hoped the infusion of fluids and painkillers Tuesday night would help him, but they didn’t he just seemed tireder and sicker. I feel like I did after PandiCat’s death, lost and just shocked. These were my babies. I never wanted children, but I always wanted cats. Seems odd to type that out. I like people’s kids, I love my nephews, I just never wanted them for myself, I have never had my clock tick, or whatever. But cats, oh I wanted them, from the very beginning.

I have taken yesterday and today off work, I really am not doing a good job in concentrating, and even yesterday I tried to run a few minor errands and I just screwed them up, today I wrote stuff down so I don’t forget, but still my brain feels foggy. I don’t want to read or do anything. This is when I wish I watched TV, and I could lose myself in something for a few hours, but I still can’t.

I miss my kitty so bad. My house feels so empty, so barren. It is weird, so quiet and everything I do is on my own, no little faces watching me, sighing as they lay next to me, getting on the table, sitting on my papers, getting on couch, meowing when I am in the shower and closed the door. And worse of all no one to greet me when I get home, it feel so odd opening the door and no kitty waiting.

Cat

So in the last few days I have noticed Badtzi peeing on the floor, which is unusual for him, he is a fastidious kitty who does not make a mess, and then I noticed he was not eating, just drinking lots of water and licking up the gravy on his food. None of this boded well.

I had Badtz and Hana from when they were 7 weeks old, the two brothers to my sister’s two – Chloe and Sabrina. There were five in the litter and we got four of them. Badtz was my pick at first and then I got Hana as I was worried he would be lonely. I named them after Badtz Maru and Hana Maru both charecters from Hello Kitty. When I got the extra kitty I named him after their other friend Pandaba, so I had a PandiCat too.

I loved my kitties all the same, though I had a soft spot in my heart for Badtz, he was always so disdainful of certain things, so smart and so pretty, my little black siamese kitty.

Yesterday I took him to the vet, the peeing and not eating was worrying me. We were there a good while. It was funny over the years Badtz has always wanted to get in the carrier and go to the vet, he never was sick, and now was his chance. He was happy until the car moved and then he siamese howled the whole way there and back. And pooped in the carrier, and peed, and threw up! Yep, great car cat.

Anyway we were at the vet about an hour and a bit, lots of test: blood-work, urinalysis, heart listening, blood pressure – via his tail, not happy, and then injection of fluid, and injection to make him less nauseous and hungry. The vet also tried giving him food, but he wouldn’t eat, I knew he wouldn’t.

Home last night and all Badtz did was sleep, yowl, and pee on the floor.:(, Today I got the results of the tests and he has Chronic Renal Failure, and he has arthritis, and so I am making the decision to put him to sleep. This is so hard. I want to keep him around, but him being in pain is my worst nightmare, he can’t jump, he won’t sleep in his high bed, he pees on the floor and then cries as he hates doing it. He doesn’t want to eat, but he has never eaten much, he is old and tired, and I think he misses his brother more than I can imagine.

Badtz on elephant
Badtz on elephant

WTF

So the last few months have been really unsettling, as in my normally quiet neighborhood has had a lot going on.

I had some friends stay with me, for a month, Black had just gotten out of hospital and needed a place to stay and his girlfriend Tina was going to stay as well to help him. So luckily they were at my house for some of this.

First off was the guy who murdered a woman a few streets over, tried to escape down my road, not realizing it was a cul de sac, he then drove across my neighbor – George’s lawn – destroying the car he stole, and the lawn. He fled across the creek and was eventually tear gassed out of the house behind me. This all went on while I was at work and Black and Tina were home, Black was just out of hospital in a back brace and phoned me to inform me police with shot guns were in my yard! By the time I got home the tow truck was hauling the car away and cops were just hanging around talking and cleaning up.

Next was another neighbor going crazy, and I mean crazy. ‘L’ had acted weird on the weekend yelling at Andreas about cars parked in front of my house, but I thought that was just residual from him having a party the day before. Then while at work, across the street neighbor Kelly texts me to tell me ‘L’ is running about in a towel, and ringing her doorbell. He had informed her he was going to Florida, packing up his life, the world was ending, and that he was going to clean up the neighborhood. She was a little spooked. He then ran about rolling in people’s lawns and communing with nature. The police were called and once again George tried to talk to ‘L’, he succeeded in getting ‘L’ out the road, but at this point ‘L’ was naked and peeing on himself. So ‘L’ went to Grady, his parents came and tried to sort things out.

The next major ‘circle'(my area is called ‘the circle’) excitement was sadly my neighbor Sam died. He had been ill for a while, and he had a drug problem, but he was nice neighbor, quiet and calm. His nephew had moved in to keep an eye on him, but he worked a lot. He hadn’t heard from Sam, and so checked on him in the middle of the day and Sam had died in his sleep. So that meant fire trucks, coroner, police and questions and eventually the funeral home to take Sam out the house. And then telling all the neighbors and his family as the nephew was too upset to make the calls.

And that brings as to the lack of water weekend to Dekalb County and the house two doors up being on fire! Yep, driving home and over the hill I saw smoke, so I think wow, a bar-b-que and odd for Friday afternoon, and so hot today. As I cleared the hill I realized smoke was coming out the windows of the house, and no-one was around, I missed my driveway, stopped my car and called 911, as the operator asked me was I sure the house was on fire…luckily George drove up, and called his wife and got her to call her sister(whose house it was), thankfully no one was inside and the kitty – Gray – ran to my house. It took about 8 or so firetrucks to put the fire out, due to lack of water pressure and water. But, no one was hurt! And all animals safe.

Finally to cap my 3 crazy months off, my neighbor ‘L’ went crazy again, threatening to kill people, trying to run people over and the cops were called, he was not taken away, but his parents are back, and he is apparently mad at me, for trying to have him arrested. But I feel when you have sword and threaten to kill me, all bets of good neighbor behaviour are off. He is still not stabilized and though I am not scared of him, I don’t want to deal with him. He is still ringing doorbells, and having manic episodes. I want him to get help, but at the same time I just want him to move away.

So when my friend Anne generously offered me the opportunity to go to Mexico with her for five days, I said yes! I really just want a break from the crazy and maybe a chance to relax, reset and recuperate. So off I go on Wednesday to Mexico.

Goodbye Hana Cat

So yesterday I worked from home, my excuse was I slept late, but really I wanted to stay at home and keep an eye on Hana who the last few weeks has been acting stranger, tireder. I did keep an eye on him, and by the time he threw up for the 3 or 4 time I knew he needed to go to the vet. So I made an appointment and at 3:30 we were there.

The ride over he did not do his normal yowl, the pierces ear drums and makes me feel I am killing him, it was just whimper sounds. Once there, he didn’t explore or even act interested in his surroundings, another red flag.

So me and the vet talked, he had lost 5 pounds! Which meant he only weighed 10.5 pounds, which is way down from his high of 17 pounds. He has not been eating, he is crying at night, crying when going to the litter box and also making little oomph noises when jumping down from the chairs. She said we could start him on kidney meds, but he would not get better, just slow the decline, and he would have to visit the vet regularly.

I then serious thought about his quality of life, he likes food, but not eating, he likes looking out the window, not doing it, he likes cuddling with his brother, Badtz, not doing it, he was just hiding in his hole and sleeping. So with much heartache I decided it was his time to leave. I felt awful, awful, awful. I got to hold him while the vet sedated him, and he just relaxed in my arms, and by the time the next injection came I felt he had passed already.

I stayed with him about an hour, stroking him and making sure he knew he was my beloved kitty cat, I wrapped him in a towel so he would not be cold, and drove home.

Badtz was not happy, he followed me around and cuddled me and would not leave me alone, I think he misses his brother, and I do too.

Hana in the sun

It has been almost 4 years to the day since I lost PandiCat, 22/7/2011, so in a way I feel I am reliving that month.

Badtz and Hana were litter mates, brothers who had never been apart, I have had them 17 years almost exactly, I know they were born the 31 of May, and we got them at 8 weeks old.