Covid-19 Testing

I got tested today, for the first time! Isn’t that amazing? I had the antibodies test back in September I think, or later but no real worries about exposure. Last weeks flight back to SF was the first time I was scared I was exposed.

I waited 6 days to get my test, so antibodies would be easy to spot. The test itself was nothing, no pain, no serious stick up the nose etc. The main issue was getting to Drs office on time and dealing with others. The Dr said if I test negative I was all good :), which was a relief.

Hard to believe this virus has become our new reality. All over the world people are dying because of it, or lockdowns, or secondary infections and causes. Makes you wonder why we are so careless with life.

Ok Let’s Us Begin

Today is the first Monday of 2021, that means all healthy habits start today, all New Year Resolutions etc.

What a burden to be a Monday you carry this heavy load. Practically rocks, and by Thursday it has fallen away. All the advice lately is make small changes, incremental that you can continue, what a weird about face in the last two years.

Tomorrow I get Covid tested – not looking forward to that.

Today I buy vitamins – maybe tasty gummy ones?


Well I made it through 2020, not how i thought i would either. I look back at 2020’s January 1st posting, and I am shocked how happy and carefree things feel, when in reality the virus was bearing down already. How could we know so little, be so connected and yet so disconnected?

Hopes and dreams for 2021?
– get through it
– get vaccine
– hope I don’t have Covid-19 when I get tested Tuesday
– travel
– hug someone, damn I miss hugs

simple stuff. Bigger dreams?
– eat healthy
– exercise more
– write more
– read more
– stop doom scrolling


So a distant friend, someone I know who I have not seen in a while, but still like and would hug when I see them died last week. Brian Dotson will be greatly missed, not just because he knew a million people or because he ran a nightclub in the 2000’s but rather because of his kindness, his sweetness and generosity.

I met Brian through Greg A, and he was always the nicest person to me, happy to see me and hug me. No matter what I was wearing (and however out of place I looked at his club) he was kind and generous. We made bisquik pancakes together. He taught me to make tuna salad with raisins in it. And most kindly of all he smacked Greg A upside the head and told him I had a crush on him. He saw it even if no one else did. Brian and I sat around the kitchen talking music.

He let Adam book CosmoLava to have Neil Landstrumm play for a discounted rate and he happily offered so many other people DJing opportunities.

The last time I saw him we had lunch outside on Amsterdam avenue and we talked about hiking, dogs and who knows what else.

Rest in Peace Brian you will be missed greatly.

Pity The Nation

“PITY THE NATION” Lawrence Ferlinghetti
(After Khalil Gibran)

Pity the nation whose people are sheep
And whose shepherds mislead them
Pity the nation whose leaders are liars
Whose sages are silenced
And whose bigots haunt the airwaves
Pity the nation that raises not its voice
Except to praise conquerers
And acclaim the bully as hero
And aims to rule the world
By force and by torture
Pity the nation that knows
No other language but its own
And no other culture but its own
Pity the nation whose breath is money
And sleeps the sleep of the too well fed
Pity the nation oh pity the people
who allow their rights to erode
and their freedoms to be washed away
My country, tears of thee
Sweet land of liberty!

2020 Dumpster Fire

I am a racist – what a hard sentence to write out. I am not one consciously, but i have plenty of white privilege, I have lived an easy life, not constantly wondering if the police, security guards, military are going to find my life expendable. I try really hard not to judge people by skin colour, by race, but I do, of course I do, we all do, but been aware and trying to do better is all i can offer.

I grew up taught apartheid was right to keep the races pure, that black people had smaller brains, that they needed white people to tell them what to do. I grew up taught black people could not be trusted, that they were like children. The racism, that casual dismissal of one race, the fact “coloureds” and “indians” could be second class – not quite good enough to be white, but close, a whole country was that. South Africa a complicated legacy, trust me, I love my country, I am horrified what was done in the name of “white power”.

I have spent my time since I left unlearning, unlearning the casual dismissal, unlearning the fear, unlearning the taught prejudice. I will never not see colour, that has never been my goal, my goal is to accept people for who they are, and their actions regardless on race and skin colour.

I like to think I am ok at it. I still cringe about lessons I had to learn, and I am happy I have had friends and coworkers who were more than patient with me, who cared enough to explain, to teach.

Living the the USA has taught me more about systematic racism than anything else, how constant pressure and media, how code shifting and “good hair” are good in some instances and bad in other, how been yourself is criminal. It has taught be a black man can yell about killing and raping and be censored, but a white person has aggression and room to grow. That a white guy in a hoodie is cool, a black guy is a thug. How food of the poor and disadvantaged can be co-opted so that now it is to expensive. That judgement is constant.

It makes me want to scream and yell, “check your privilege” – but am i checking mine? I hope, and I hope and I try and I try.

How Long?

48 days and counting, almost 8 weeks.

I have not learnt a new skill, mastered a new language, deep cleaned my apartment, gotten super fit etc.

I have, cooked, eaten, slept, worked out and lived.

Which is harder? People talk about grief and depression, I feel bad for them. I am sad, but not depressed, I am upset but not angry. When I moved to SF I was depressed. When my relationship ended I was depressed, and battled. But now? I am just sad. We are a people on a single planet with no empathy. We live in a marvellous world and we barely look up. We value experiences as much as we can post a video or photo. We live to work, not work to live.

I don’t want that. I made these choices a long time ago, what I wanted and what I value. This has made it clearer. I still don’t miss TV, or more stuff, oh, I miss the camaraderie around it, but I don’t miss the desire to see what happens. Most stuff seems pointlessly cruel and mean spirited.

I miss having a partner with me, to cook with, to do things with, to talk over ideas with. To hold hands with. To go on walks with, debate what to cook, and disagree with.

SF is prettier without all the traffic and rush and clusterness of people, but now also highlights the intense unequal distribution of wealth. So many have nots, due to so many factors, and everyone wants an easy answer. But, unless the USA starts helping out with mental health and loses the ‘pull you up by the bootstraps’ scenario/dream, it is not happening.


I kept feeling Badtzi around me last night, like he came back to take me with him, I miss my kitties so much, but him more than anything. He was so smart and so sweet.

Maybe he misses me? And wants to come with him?

It is the second death feeling I have had in a week. Last week it was the death of a dog, which seems to be a portent for the death of a friend. I hope I am wrong.

Pink Moon

Funny how often I write about Pink Moon. The famous Nick Drake song.

This year the pink moon will fall on what would have been my mom’s 73rd birthday. I miss her so much, still everyday. But, at the same time I am so glad she is not here experiencing this pandemic. I worry about my dad, but my mom I would have freaked out about daily. Social distancing, not going out, she would have laughed and ignored me, nevermind her useless b/f waste of breathe he was, he would have just told her not to worry, and go get him whatever he wanted at the store, as he was to damn lazy to go himself.

I went to work today – mainly to water plants, get my monitor and stuff to set up my home area a little better. My next goal is a decent chair, not an ugly one though, boy is that hard.

Week 3…I think

Time is fluid, I mean we all know that. It feels like yesterday I started Shelter In Place and last year both. This week was productive, cooking, baking, and cleaning. Plus work 🙂

This weekend alone I made: bread and also Alison Roman’s: The cookies were great, they always are, but the bread was a little bland, might use whole wheat flour next time, and add some fold ins.

Other than that, my bathroom is clean, my makeup brushes are clean and my laundry done and packed away.

Delta refunded my Atlanta flight, and now to get my flight to SA refunded :(. But on the plus side, I am getting better at working out in my apartment, I am learning some new moves, and getting better in my form.

Another month to go.

Rice Pudding
By AA Milne

What is the matter with Mary Jane?
She’s crying with all her might and main,
And she won’t eat her dinner – rice pudding again –
What is the matter with Mary Jane?

What is the matter with Mary Jane?
I’ve promised her dolls and a daisy-chain,
And a book about animals – all in vain –
What is the matter with Mary Jane?

What is the matter with Mary Jane?
She’s perfectly well, and she hasn’t a pain;
But, look at her, now she’s beginning again! –
What is the matter with Mary Jane?

What is the matter with Mary Jane?
I’ve promised her sweets and a ride in the train,
And I’ve begged her to stop for a bit and explain –
What is the matter with Mary Jane?

What is the matter with Mary Jane?
She’s perfectly well and she hasn’t a pain,
And it’s lovely rice pudding for dinner again!
What is the matter with Mary Jane?